"This author needs a psychologist!"
Hello!
Lars here.
I write thriller novels. Many people love them and give me great reviews.
But not everyone.
Some people HATE them. And they’re not shy about it.
And sometimes, those negative reviews are HILARIOUS.
Other times, they hit me right between the eyes.
And it smarts.
:)
I thought I’d share a few of my favorite negative reviews with you, for our mutual entertainment:
————
“This author needs a psychologist.”
Hmm. Maybe she has a point, I reflect.
I am, on occasion, a little bit off my rocker.
“Creative,” I believe, is the clever PC euphemism.
Anyway, in real life, I followed her advice.
Guess what my psychologist said:
“This is all normal for someone with your condition.”
I didn’t know whether I should feel better or worse.
She also suggested this:
“You should write thrillers.”
I’m no less confused than ever, but at least it seems that I’m accidentally going round and round in the right circles.
————
Reader: “There was sex in this book. Disgusting.”
Me:
Are you my ex-wife?
————
Reader:
“It was so predictable but I was annoyed because the story kept going in the wrong direction and I didn’t know where it was going.”
Me:
Um....
Thanks?
————
Reader: “The storyline sucked. The author probably can’t even spell P-L-A-T.”
Me: Maybe he’s right. I’ve always spelled it P-L-O-T. ;)
————
Reader: “Everybody who reads this stuff thinks this author is a better writer than he really is.”
Me: Erm… thanks?
——-
Reader: “This book was a $£*%%>€£ cliffhanger! I want to throw the author off the roof.”
My author-friend: “Yeah, dude, cliffhangers were only in for, like, six months. Guess you didn’t read the memo.”
Me: Guess I was too busy writing $£*%%>€£ cliffhangers.
(Do NOT worry, dear reader. I am wiser. I’ll never do it again as long as I live, forever and ever amen.)
————
Reader: “Pure dreck. Awful writing. I couldn’t get past the opening line.”
Me: The opening line has two words. That’s hardly enough room for even a grammatical error.
——-
Reader:
“You’re one smug bastard.”
Me:
That's wrong. My parents were married.
(I actually think life has beaten most of the smugness out of me by now, FWIW.)
———
Reader 1: “You’re a socialist.”
Reader 2: “You’re a Fascist.”
Reader 3: “Sellout! Another one bows down to the corperate [sic] gods.”
Reader 4: “How dare you? You’re not even gay OR liberal.”
Reader 5: “Another brainwashed liberal.”
Reader 6: “Another crazy Trumpkin.”
Me: somebody call my psychologist.
Maybe ask her to bring the tranquilizer gun.
Again.
:)
——
Reader: “He writes like English is a foreign language.”
Me: Isn’t it, though? I mean, somewhere?
——-
Reader: “This guy wants to be like Lee Child.”
Me: That’s actually maybe a little, teeny, tiny bit true. Probably. Completely.
——
Reader: “Don’t quit your day job!”
Me: Too late.
——-
Anyway, please feel free to keep busting my chops. I've developed a thick skin and I hardly ever cry myself to sleep after a bad review. And who knows? Maybe your review will wind up in the next Greatest Body Blows edition.
And by the way, my family and I owe you an enormous thank-you for giving us the life we’ve dreamed of living. It's not mansions and yachts, but we have more than we need, we enjoy plenty of time together, and I love this work. What more could a person ask for?
So, for as long as these books keep us in grocery money, maybe I’ll keep bumbling along with my neuroses occasionally at the wheel and my insecurities hidden safely away, where everyone but me can see them.
Until next time,
Lars
PS: Check out the special we're running over at our independent bookstore. Thanks to people like you, those kinds of things still exist in a world taken over by Amazon :).
"Have you lost your mind?"
That's what my wife said when I told her about these specials.
She's not even a little bit happy -- "Our daughter starts COLLEGE soon, or have you forgotten?" -- but I think you'll really like the deals we've put together for you.
Some people like having this kind of nonsense delivered to their inbox on the regular. I don't know why. But I'd be happy to add you to the list if you're so inclined. (You'll get early-bird specials on new releases and occasional deals and discounts, too).
Sam Jameson Books 1 & 2
Special double-volume edition containing Books 1 and 2 in the Sam Jameson series. This is the story that kicked everything off for me, and it still blows my mind that over a million people have read (and hopefully enjoyed) the story. It's Sam in her prime, and I hope you love her as much as I do :).
Quinn Book 1
Man, I loved writing this book. I think that probably shows through when you read it, too. I think I can usually tell by the way a sentence reads if an author is wearing a smile as they write it. A reader named James said that MONARCH is "maybe the best thriller I've ever read." I hope you enjoy it, too.
Sam Jameson Book 3
This is my least favorite of my books. It has... issues. But I've had many readers tell me it's their favorite in the whole catalog (there's no accounting for taste, evidently). Improbably, it actually became a #1 bestseller. If you really want to read it, it's available in every format except audio.
Sam Jameson Books 4 & 5
"The end of the world began in New Jersey," is how Meltdown starts. Sorry if you're from that state, but I think we can all agree that it's an appropriate place for the end to begin. I had a ton of fun playing around with this topic, and I really enjoyed getting Sam and Brock out of the trouble I stuck them in. I think you'll like this double-volume special edition.
Peter Kittredge Book 1
This one ended up as one of those noir psychological thrillers that have become all the rage. I wasn't smart enough to have planned it that way. I actually didn't set out to write a noir psychological thriller. It just seemed like I followed Peter Kittredge to someplace dark, cynical, and entertaining as hell. I hope you love it!
Sam Jameson Book 6
I wrote Fallout right after Descent, during a time when I had a long commute to the cement box that held my cubicle. I dictated a good portion of the manuscript into my laptop, which sat open on the passenger seat... except during hard braking, which led to my requiring a new laptop. FALLOUT tackles some thorny questions in what people say is a very interesting story. Let's hope they're right.
Sam Jameson Book 7
This story has a gigantic twist at the end, and it shapes a good bit of the rest of the series so far. I've lost count of how many emails I've received since I published BLOWBACK from people asking when and how I'm going to resolve it. There's also a surprise appearance made by an old favorite, and you won't believe how different he is now.
Sam Jameson Book 8
BURN is the first story I wrote in Sam's voice, and I absolutely loved the way it seemed to come alive from this new vantage. There's another mega-twist in this one that has left a lot of jaws in the fly-catching position. I can't tell you any more, because I don't want to spoil the surprise!
Sam Jameson Book 9
This story picks up just two weeks after the end of BURN, and Sam is still a long way away from okay. People say it's an intense ride, and a handful of folks wrote to me within hours of the book's release to tell me they finished it in one sitting, loved it, and when the hell is the next one coming out? I hope you enjoy it just as much.
Sam Jameson Book 10
This book solves one of the biggest riddles in the entire series. It provides the answer to the question I've been asked hundreds of times, which is.... something that I can't even tell you, because if you're reading this description before you read the earlier books, it might ruin the surprise. Suffice it to say that if you're a Sam Jameson series fan, this is one you won't want to skip.
